Thankful

I just turned 28 a couple of days ago.

How time flies...
It's been 4 years since I graduated.
And I'll be hitting the big 3 in 2 years.

Hope I'll still continue to feel "young"!

Anyway, didn't do much of a celebration this year.
Not a fan of birthday celebrations...

But a group of my boaters actually gave me a surprise dinner last Friday!
I initially thought it would be a random dinner with our small group of about 5-6 since we haven't met up for quite some time.
When we got there and met up and was about to enter the restaurant, suddenly a big group of them popped out with a cake! :)
Almost 20 of us in total.
Seniors and juniors in NTU, and new found teammates from Mountbatten CSC (NUS canoeists).

It was a very... Nice feeling.
To have all of them gathering together with me. :)
Even though some may not even know each other.

I feel so fortunate sometimes.
It's as though I have everything I could ask for.
And I am surrounded by awesome people.
I feel like they actually make me a better person, more grounded.

There are times when people start talking about their situations and how stuff has happened in their life.
Even myself, I do have my down moments, even now.
However, what kept me going was the constant reminder that things could have been worse.
It could have been worse.
It probably make me seem too positive sometimes.
But I am actually not the bubbly, chirpy, enthusiastic kind of person.
I'm just... Humbly thankful for everything.

On another note, I attended Jasmine and Treddy's wedding dinner last night!
Big congratulations!
Had the opportunity to finally meet up with old friends.
It felt... Nice. :) (sorry for my lack of vocabulary)

My two sisters are away on holiday, since months ago.
They will finally be coming back next month.
I've been alone with my parents since May.

One thing I noticed about myself recently.
I've been quite short tempered at home.
There's some kind of invisible barrier... I don't know how to describe.
I think it's like... If it's right, it's right. If it's wrong, it's wrong.
I just can't...

Hope things will turn better.

Pointless.

And so my last dog just passed on 2 weeks ago.
Surprisingly I actually wasn't as upset as I thought I would be.
I guess that's because he's really old and was his health was already deteriorating a lot.
It wasn't like the previous two, sudden illness.
I actually felt... Relieve for him.
His quality of life was already affected.
He could barely see, barely eat, barely walk.
It was more painful watching him struggle every day.

I guess that's it for now, with regards to pets.
As much as I would like to have another dog for companionship, I figured I needed the break from such emotional attachment.
We'll see.

Haven't been in the best of spirits lately.
It's... Hmm.
I can't describe.

I'm doing pretty well at work.
In fact 2014 was my best work year so far.
Achieved a few awards here and there, decent increments and a promotion recently.
But I don't feel... Happy.
I love my project, it's the only thing that is keeping me going.
It's one of my work which I feel so proud of.
But there's only so much it can satisfy.
There are so many other factors.
In fact recently there were a couple of times I was brought so close to the edge.
I was so close to just calling it a day.
Others would probably think I'm crazy cause I've got everything going my way and there's a good path laid out for me over here.
But those close ones who know what actually is going on, they won't say the same.
It just... Doesn't feel... Right.

We work half of our lives away.
Wouldn't it be awful if we stuck to what we're doing even though we were not happy doing it?
Maybe it could take you some where.
But after getting there and looking back, would you regret?

Ah well.
It's one of those moments.

I'm feeling a lot better now.
After I manage to get some breather and some rest.
Also, starting to get myself occupied with the start of trainings.
I'm actually pretty excited about the race!
But. I guess that's cause it gets my mind off stuff.
Feels like there's something I "need" to do and am motivated to do.
That kind of feeling.

Other than that.
I'm actually pretty lost.
There's pretty much nothing else that makes my life "tick".
It's probably why I get frustrated easily, even at home.

I don't know how to "cure" this.
Maybe I haven't found it yet.

Stoning. :)

It's been a long, long time!
I've been wanting to update but was too busy.
Finally got a three day break from work and decided to chill and do some updates.

Well let's see.
I've been super busy at work.
Right now my life almost revolves around my current project, the Stones Project.
I kind of have a love-hate relationship with it.
In fact, there were a few times where I got so frustrated and disturbed, I woke up and just felt like raising the white flag and submitting my resignation letter.
But hey, I'm still here. :)

So, what is the Stones Project about?
Stones is actually an oil field at the Gulf of Mexico.
Right now in Singapore, we are converting a tanker vessel into a FPSO (Floating, Production, Storage and Offloading) vessel which will be stationed at the oil field to draw and process the oil.
It is split between three companies and four yards.
The modules will be done by two different companies.
The vessel will be converted in one of the yards.
But all new structures will be fabricated and built in another yard.

So why is it so special?
Stones is an ULTRA DEEPWATER project by big players SBM and Shell.
It would be Shell's FIRST FPSO at the Gulf of Mexico.
It will be the DEEPEST project in the world.
The turret will probably be the HEAVIEST in the world.
And it would be the MOST ADVANCED disconnectable turret and buoy system ever.

Quite likely, it will be shown on the Discovery Channel in the future. :D
(Shell is actually already making preparations for that)

Yes, the project is special.
But what makes it special to me, isn't just the project, but the people in it.
We have all come a long way, having started the project together since last year in August 2013.
It's kind of amazing.
How strangers from various companies and background come together to form a team that not just gets the job done, but gets the job done with such team spirit and thoughtfulness.
We do not care about individual achievements, we do not care about if it is your job or my job, what we care about is to ensure that the project runs smoothly and nobody gets hurt in this process.
And we do it through respect, sincerity and passion.
I've done a few projects prior to this, but I have never felt like this before.
In fact, I think it's kind of like fate that we're together.
Even my client who has done tonnes of projects before told me personally that it is very rare to have a project team like this.

There have been countless of times I felt like quitting.
I can't deny that it is partly because of this project.
It is so, so tough.
The time, the effort, the responsibilities, the commitment.
We are running a project with lesser manpower than required.
And with insufficient or inadequate facilities that is required for this particular project.
It is really putting a toll on all of us, physically and mentally.

But to be honest, the project isn't the reason why I would quit, if I do.
It is the company.
I can't seem to accept how the company function.
The culture and the closed mind set.
If you knew me well enough, you would know that I'm a person who values openness, positive changes and ethics, a lot.
Anybody can work and get the job done, as long as they are hardworking enough.
Anybody can go with the flow, and just do what they're told without putting in much thought.
But how many actually think and ask themselves this question all the time.
How can we do better?
That is the difference between an average employee, and an employee that adds value to the company.

I don't want to be the blind follower who does not think and improve.
I don't want to be the quiet worker who just does everything he/she's told and go home with a pretty good salary each month.
It is not satisfying to me at all.
I want to be a person that thinks and find ways to do things better each time.
I want to be an employee who helps to improve the company and the environment of the people in it.

Stones is the only reason why I'm still here.
Because the significance, importance and magnitude of the project allows me to do it with my position in it.
I am honoured to be the Lead Safety Officer for this project, and I take it as my duty and responsibility to help this project and the people in it as much as I can or am allowed to do so.
And as mentioned, I guess it's fate.
Because the people in the team shares the same vision as me and we support each other in every way that we possibly can.
It could be in many different ways - ideas, resources, connections, or even just authoritative support.

Together, we have done a lot for the project and the people in it.
From the little things to the big things.
In fact, we have so much pride in our project and the things we do such that we have decided to submit one of our "accidental" idea for the Safety Innovation Team (SIT) convention this year!
I'll not share what it's about since it's pretty complicated and maybe technical.
We actually came up with the idea and made the system for one of our structures to make certain things safer and require lesser manpower.
Didn't think much about it cause it was mainly just to make everyone's lives easier.
But somehow management learnt about it and is pushing for it to be submitted for the competition even though the dateline for submission is already over.
I usually try to avoid these stuff cause it's basically more work.
But this time round I'm actually pretty stoked about it!
Project Manager has appointed me to be the Team Leader for this side project.
Although it's definitely more "saikang", but I actually want to do it well for the team.
How awesome if we win something and it is done by the Stones Project Team right?!
Another achievement for us. :D
The idea can also be used for the Innovation and Quality Circles (IQC) Convention later this year as it is also considered an innovative idea that improves productivity/quality!
Haven't felt this enthusiastic and motivated in awhile. :)

Okay let's put these Stones stuff aside.
I actually do have thoughts of moving on from this company due to the differences in values.
In fact I have already prepared my resume and gotten the relevant referees.
It's kind of weird.
My manager and my clients have actually agreed to be my referee... o_o
Even though I'm doing pretty well in the company and have gotten quite a bit of recognition from management and clients...
My clients even gave me a pretty prestigious award not too long ago.
But on a personal level, they also know and understand that the company does not suit me.
Right now, I'm still motivated to fight for Stones and I know I can do it till the end of the project.
Then again, sometimes I'll be thinking... What will happen when this project ends?
It'll be back to square one.
I'll probably be working with people who does not share the same values and vision, or working in projects that is not significant enough to allow changes.
Maybe I can wait till the project ends then move on.
But, that would be next year and would it be too late?

I actually can't make up my mind right now.
I've done up my resume and gotten all the relevant documents...
But till date, I have yet to send out a single application.
I guess I'll target May and see how.
But for now, enjoying my time in Stones while it lasts.

Together, we will continue to fight and work for this amazing project.
Like what the Stones motto says...

Building something special, with no harm.

Impulsive Behaviour.

Have the sudden urge of doing something!
Like on impulse, ya know?!

Don't think that would happen though...
Hmm... Maybe some day. :>

What the.

I am so moody and mad that i cant even begin to describe it.

Running on empty...

I dont deserve this, really.

how to be...?

not elated at all...