in loving memory.

i know i have to write about this, at least pour it out somewhere.
cause i feel as though i will burst and go crazy if i don't.
and i know i won't be able to feel at peace ever... and i can't stop crying.

today my best friend left me.
i don't even know where to begin...

a couple of days ago i was called home cause you were not feeling well.
i thought you were throwing your tantrums as usual cause i wasn't home to pacify you.
but i came home as early as i could anyway, in the middle of the night.
cause you were that important to me.
you looked like you were struggling so bad to breathe... so we sent you to the hospital immediately.
they did everything they could and i thought the worst was over.
i brought you back home the next day... i really thought you were going to be okay...
was i too naive? did i overlook anything?

your condition improved... but it was only for a day...
the next few days all i could do was watch you closely and calm you down, coax you to sleep...
then last night... you refused to sleep... you seemed like you were struggling again... though not as serious as the night we sent you to the hospital.
it got so bad i was already almost in tears.
i just knelt on the floor infront of the bed, beside you.
buried my head in my hands and said to myself quietly, but desperately... "what can i do to help you..."
it was as though you understood... cause you calmed down almost instantly.
wrapped you in my comforter, held you close to my face, and we both fell asleep.
i didn't know it was going to be our last night together.

i had project meeting this morning.
but my gut feeling told me i need to watch over you for awhile more, just to make sure you're okay.
pushed back my meeting for a bit...
but as i was getting ready... you collapsed beside my bed...
we rushed you to my car and was on our way to the hospital...
but... we watched you slowly fade away... wrapped in a pink towel in her arms... with me beside you.
as we watched... somehow... it was just a mixture of emotions for the both of us.
she said she thinks you're gone... and we went quiet for awhile.
i didn't know what to do... should we still rush you to the hospital and bear hopes of reviving you?
or should we just... let you go.
it became clear after awhile... as we pat your head gently... and said our silent goodbyes.
and for a moment... i actually felt relieved.
you are finally free.
it was the best for you, the end of your suffering.

as you lay on the table waiting for the vet to take you away...
we pat you as though you were still alive. you were still warm and soft.
i buried my head in your neck for the last few times and kissed you goodbye before they took you away.
i wanted to remember your warmth, your touch, and your smell.

the vet said it was a heart attack...
a normal lifespan is 12-13 years... anything more than that are bonuses.
you stayed with us for 15 awesome years.
thank you for giving us the additional 2 years of your time.

i can't help feeling so terrible right now.
i can't even describe.
i knew it was going to be painful... i thought i was prepared enough.
but i didn't know it was going to be this much.
the moment i am alone, i can't control my tears.
i cried all the way to school after sending you off, cleared up for project, and cried myself all the way home.
and you... must be up there happily pouncing around feeling i'm silly right?
but really, i can't help it.
the only time i stopped was when i'm busy doing something.
like clearing up hall just now, and when having dinner with my parents.

but when i finally stop doing stuff... my whole mind is just filled with you.
everything just reminds me of you.
when i get home, the first thing i used to do is to look for you, hug you and tell you i'm home.
and then i'll whisk you away in my arms as though you're my princess and bring you to my room.
i'll miss going out and just as i am about to leave the house, turn around to you and exclaiming "love you girl!"
guess i'll have to get used to not doing these anymore.
your baby pink/blue shirt is hanging on the back of my door.
i actually can't bear the sight of it... cause it just turns on my tear tap.
i thought of putting it away to ease my pain... but i decided not to.
cause i know i have to overcome this... you would want me to right?
i guess i'll need more time before i can bring myself to touching your shirt...
and from tonight onwards i'll be sleeping alone... without you breathing by my side, without your warmth.
i'll miss you snatching my pillow and bed space, and me ending up having to squeeze my head on the small corner of the pillow with your butt facing me.
i'll miss being awaken by you a million times in the middle of the night just so i could fill your red bowl with water for you to drink, or to open the door for you so you can go outside to pee, or just to carry you up and down the bed.
i'll miss waking up in the morning or afternoon and finding you curled up so comfortably in my comforters when i don't remember carrying you onto the bed before i sleep the night before.
till now, i'm still wondering if i really carried you up sub-consciously in my sleep, cause you can't possibly jump up, and my doors are usually locked when i sleep.
guess i'll never know.
i'll miss your very persistent whine which i can never not give in.
i just miss you so, so, so, soooo much.
words can't describe. :(

thank you for sharing your life with me and bringing me so much joy, happiness, comfort for the last 15 years.
i hope you've enjoyed your time with us, as much as we've enjoyed yours.
i know this may sound silly, but you know what?
you taught me how to love unconditionally, you taught me patience, you taught me so many things i can't even list them down.
thank you for making me a better person. :)

baby girl, i love you sooooo much and i miss you sooooo much.
you'll always have this special place in my heart.
i hope you're getting used to the new environment up there without us, stay happy and maybe one day we will cross paths once again. :)

love, me.